Rules are confusing for most toddlers. But with a few lessons – including something as simple as smiles – they will see how “please” and “thank you” can pave the way for rewards in the future.

by Christina DiMartino 

From the time that your toddler can interpret your facial expressions and tone of voice—a smile, a nod, a shake of your head or a spoken word—she can begin to learn good manners. Instilled early, good manners will become a part of her normal behavior and she will carry them throughout her life. 

Helping your child make sense

Andrea L. Mack, Ph.D., an academic writer of psychology and child development issues, addresses toddler manners in her article, “Simon Says Please: Teaching Toddlers Manners for Kids.”

Mack says from a young child’s point of view, learning to use manners can be a confusing experience. Parenting children during this stage including helping them with your clear expectations and good role modeling.

“Polite behavior means following rules that may not make sense to a young child,” she says. “Toddler parenting can help your child move from confusion to learning some social graces.” 

•  Set a good example. Young children learn through copying other people’s behavior. If the people around her use polite and thoughtful behavior, she will learn to use it too.

•  Have reasonable expectations. If your child can barely squeak out a syllable, it’s probably too early to worry about whether she can ask nicely for something. As she begins to develop her vocabulary—often around age two—you can encourage her to use words like “please” and “thank you.” 

•  Think beyond preschool manners. Even after young children have learned to use polite words, they still may not have the cognitive skills to understand why they are using them. Teaching by example, like sitting at the table until others have finished eating, is how you want your child to act. Your long-term goal is to teach her to be considerate and respectful. 

•  Make your expectations clear. For example, say to your child, “When you are sitting at the table I expect you to sit nicely.” 

•  Work on one or two good behavior skills at a time. Giving your child too many rules can come across as nagging, and she may tune them out. 

•  Build learning manners into play. If you and your child are building a block tower, you might say, “Could you please pass me the red block?” 

•  Catch her behaving politely. Praising your child for using manners or showing thoughtful behavior can go a long way toward helping her develop social skills.

Nip bad behavior in the bud

Parent & Child Magazine, a Scholastic publication, says to nip bad behavior in the bud. 

It suggests that the development of decorum varies from child to child. Your child is most receptive to learning the rules of polite conduct between the ages of 2 and 5.

You can begin introducing manners into your child’s daily routine practically from infancy. If your youngster likes to hand you her favorite stuffed bear, give her a smile and an enthusiastic “thank you” when you accept it. Learning manners is easier for your child when it is the common practice in your household.

Tips for developing good manners

●  Counteract negative influences. Your child may pick up bad habits from a rude cartoon character or a playmate. Try to supply good examples for your little one to counteract the negative influences.

●  Start small and expand on rules. Learning is gradual. Don’t expect it all to come together in a snap.

●  Be clear and consistent; explain why. Make sure any punishment fits the offense. Tell her she is not allowed to do something today that she loves because the last time you allowed her to do it she misbehaved.

The gift of good manners

In Advice and Tips for Parents from The Emily Post Institute, “Can You Teach Toddler Etiquette? You Bet,” Cindy Post Senning says etiquette is all about building good relationships.  

“Children need to learn how to act in ways that are respectful, considerate and honest, which are the fundamental principles of etiquette and in building strong relationships with family and friends,” says Senning.

While toddlers may not understand principles and concepts, Senning says children this age can learn some basic behaviors that are fundamental to developing strong relationships.

“Most 3-year-olds, for example, are able to understand that sharing and caring make the other person feel good,” she says. “They know this because they can see the smiles that sharing and caring bring.”

Senning adds that a smile is concrete. Toddlers can see the results of their positive behavior in smiles, and they identify with the feeling they get when they make someone else smile.

“It makes them smile too,” she says. “It will take much patience, repetition and good modeling on your part to teach your toddler to share and care. But hang in there. It’s well worth it.”

Read on:

• Excuse Me! A Little Book of Manners, by Karen Katz
• Dora’s Book of Manners, by Christine Ricci and Susan Hall
• The Little Book of Good Manners, by Christine Coirault

Watch:

• Model Your Manners, by Vicky Lionhead from 5MinLifeVideopedia

 

Christina DiMartino has been a freelance and assignment writer since 1985. She is a researcher, interviewer, writer, editor, and manuscript collaborator with a repertoire of clients from around the world.

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