The surface meaning of the words that people say, even when they’re doing their best to communicate honestly, is just the tip of the iceberg. Here's how to improve understanding – especially with your spouse.

by Fran Giordani

Do you understand what your spouse is saying, as opposed to just hearing the words? Do you know the depth and true meaning of those words?

Do you hear what is meant?

In an interview with Terry Northcutt, director of Marriage Enrichment for the Family Dynamics Institute, a nonprofit marriage and family ministry located in Franklin, Tennessee, we asked how spouses can become aware that what they are hearing may not be exactly what their mate means.

“If there were a definitive way to know, there would be far fewer communication problems for everyone,” Northcutt responded. “Body language can sometimes tell us that what we hear is not what our spouse means, but body language can also be a primary response to prior feelings and thoughts that have nothing to do with the current situation.

“In addition, a person’s personal attitude or state of mind going into a conversation with a spouse can cause the person to hear something very different from what the spouse intended.

“And, of course, every one of us has unique definitions to certain words or phrases based on prior life experiences,” he said. “These color our personal application and interpretation of those words and phrases, separating them far from the spouse’s intended meaning.

“Ultimately, we must realize that without additional measures in place, every one of us can and often does misinterpret what our spouse truly means, compared to what he is saying, in conversations.”

Improving understanding

Once you become aware that you may be missing the depth and honesty of what your spouse is saying, there are ways you can improve your ability to receive communication more accurately.

Northcutt says, “A proactive approach to this potential problem would be to respond with words like, ‘What I heard you say was…’ Or, ‘Is that what you meant to convey?’ Even, ‘Did I misunderstand you?’

“Once a person feels that he or she understands the other’s concern, a good follow-up question would be ‘Is that your main concern?’ or ‘Is this a symptom of a larger concern?’”

Northcutt says that you should ask your spouse these questions more often. Yet it is very easy to assume that you know what your spouse is saying and then respond based on your own assumptions.

“Clarifying what has been said to you helps the communication between you and your spouse to arrive at a quick and successful solution agreeable to both of you,” he says. “But when your assumptions are wrong, you cause additional and unnecessary problems for both you and your spouse. The issues then take far longer to solve.”

Interpreting correctly

In “Tips on Effective Listening,” Larry Alan Nadig, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist in Glendale, California, says that expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts, and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness.

“The other half is listening to and understanding what others communicate to us,” says Nadig. “When a person decides to communicate with another person, he does so to fulfill a need. The person wants something, feels discomfort or has feelings or thoughts about something.”

Nadig suggests that effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.

Listening effectively is difficult, Nadig says, because people vary in their communication skills and in how clearly they express themselves, and they often have different needs, wants and purposes for interacting. The four different types of interaction or levels of communication— clichés, facts, thoughts and beliefs, and feelings and emotions—also add to the difficulty.

Listening tips

Nadig stresses that it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure accurate understanding of the message.

Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back to your spouse…

• An account of the facts
• Thoughts and beliefs
• Feelings and emotions
• Needs or motivation
• Hopes and expectations

“Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words,” says Nadig. “Look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.”

He suggests that spouses inhibit the impulse to immediately answer questions. “The code may be in the form of a question,” he says. “Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.”

 

Fran Giordani’s background includes 15 years of in-house editing and copywriting for national periodicals. Fran lives in Boston with her husband, Jay, a graphic artist, and their twin cats, Mutt and Jeff.

© Photo by Stephen Orsillo | Dreamstime.com