It's not just kids who become video game addicts! Just ask a "gamer widow" – someone whose spouse has sunk from wholesome enjoyment into flat-out addiction. Smashing the gaming console isn’t the answer, but there is hope.

by Ryan Van Cleave

There's no way to ignore it—video game addiction is real. A 2007 study by the American Medical Association suggests that more than 5 million American kids ages 8-18 fit the definition of video game addiction. But is excessive video game playing a problem that's just for kids? Absolutely not.

The average gamer is 35 and has been playing video games for 12 years. Consider that 114 million American adults regularly play video games—no wonder the term "gamer widow" has emerged!

“Gamer widow—(n) a person who has lost a partner or spouse to the allure of video games.” While gamers aren’t dead in a literal sense, their profound absence in the real-world relationship equates to about the same thing.

And gamer “widows” can be wives or husbands. According to the Entertainment Software Association, 40 percent of all gamers are women.

To get a better sense of what it means to be a gamer widow, check out WoW Detox, which is a volunteer-run site that accepts postings about people's relationship with the #1 MMOG (Massively Multiplayer Online Game, or MMORPG, Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game), the World of Warcraft. Scan just a few of the 45,000-plus entries and you'll see what's really at stake.

If you’re in a relationship that feels strongly like it’s headed that way, rest assured that even if your situation isn't that bad yet, it's more than likely on that path. In its 2007 report, the American Medical Association compares the overuse of video games to pathological gambling. The symptoms resemble other addictions, as players lose weight and sleep over their games and care more about their virtual relationships than their real ones. Video game addiction is toxic to parenting style, marital happiness, and ultimately the rest of the gamer's life.

Steps to take to detox  

So what do you do if your spouse is making you into a gamer widow?

1.  Make sure it's really the gaming that's got you so upset. The majority of people who game regularly don't have an addiction. If your spouse still manages to pay their share of the bills, play with the kids, and spend time with you, is this really a battle worth fighting?

The time that you have to intervene is when the spouse's life is out of balance. Ask yourself honestly:  am I just being greedy with how he chooses to spend some of his free time, or is he truly spending an inappropriate amount of time gaming?

2.  Discuss ways for there to be increased accountability with gaming. One of the reasons South Korea and China are so aware of video game addiction in their countries (they both consider it their #1 public health crisis) is that most of the gaming occurs in public. In the U.S., most of our gaming is done in private.

Have your spouse move the Xbox into a main area of the house so the chances of a six-hour marathon session are less likely—interruptions and other family obligations will help deter her from that.

Another way to increase accountability is to have the gamer keep an hour-by-hour log for three days or even a week that details what she does each hour. Some gamers don't realize that they're playing so much that it might as well be a second job.

3.  Be open and honest about your feelings. Make time to have a clear, uninterrupted conversation with the gamer about your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. See if you both, together, can come up with a new strategy on how to move forward in a more effective manner.

Screaming "I hate that friggin' game!" is rarely going to do much beyond making your spouse angry with you. Try the phrase, "When you skip dinner to play MLB 2010, it makes me feel…" instead. Sometimes this is all it takes to encourage different behavior.

4.  Don't go on a rampage. Handing down ultimatums, hiding the games, or taking a hammer to the Xbox simply doesn't work.

What the gamer usually takes away from those actions is this:  (a) you don't love/understand me, (b) you don't trust me, (c) you don't respect my things, and d) I'm not allowed to have fun and decide for myself what I can and can't do in my life. Just consider how you'd feel if your spouse actually said any of those things to you.

It's okay to feel frustrated and angry, but try a different tactic if you want to have a real opportunity for change.

5.  Know where to go to get professional help. If things are truly out of hand and it seems that no matter what you say or do, the problem doesn't improve, then get professional help from a qualified therapist or intervention specialist who has a track record with digital addiction.

Numerous good web resources are available that can point you in the right direction. These are solid options:

• OLGAnon.org – On-Line Gamers Anonymous
• NetAddictionRecovery.com – reSTART Internet Addiction Recovery Program
• Gamer Widow – a community for “gaming’s other half”

Even if your spouse doesn't have a video game addiction, he might have an unhealthy relationship to the digital world. Don't let your own frustration or confusion over his inappropriate gaming get in the way of helping him take back control of his life.

And don't be afraid of seeking help if you need it. Thanks to increasingly complex technologies, the video games we now have are more beautiful, captivating, and addictive than ever. They're that way by design.

Stop being one of the millions of people who are suffering quietly. This includes both gamer widows and gamers themselves. Take action today!

 

Ryan G. Van Cleave is the author of 16 books including Unplugged:  My Journey into the Dark World of Video Game Addiction. He teaches at the Ringling College of Art & Design and is a frequent speaker at schools and conferences on digital addiction, digital culture, and writing.

© Photo by Scott Griessel | Dreamstime.com