In-laws, grandparents, brothers, sisters – extended family members are taking on even more important roles in the 21st century. Here's how to establish strategies to ensure that dysfunction doesn't overpower the benefits.

by Christina DiMartino

It is said that there is no such thing as a “functional” family—there are only levels of “dysfunction.” Combine your in-laws, grandparents, parents, cousins, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles, and you will likely admit that your extended family has its own unique dynamic. You probably consider some of their personalities good, but it’s likely that some are annoying, even intrusive.

Learning how to live compatibly with your extended family—and focusing on the benefits of having family members—will help you to relate to them harmoniously.

Multigenerational families are more important than ever

In his paper, "Beyond the Nuclear Family: The Increasing Importance of Multigenerational Bonds," Vern L Bengtson, professor of sociology at the University of Southern California, states that  family relationships across several generations are becoming increasingly important in American society.

They are also increasingly diverse in structure and in functions, his report concludes. In reply to the widely debated “family decline” hypothesis, which assumes a nuclear family model of two biological parents and children, Bengtson suggests that family multigenerational relations will be more important in the 21st century for three reasons:

1. The demographic changes of population aging, resulting in “longer years of shared lives” between generations
2. The increasing importance of grandparents and other kin in fulfilling family functions
3. The strength and resilience of intergenerational solidarity over time

Bengtson adds that family multigenerational relations are increasingly diverse for these reasons:

1. Changes in family structure, involving divorce and step-family relationships
2. The increased longevity of kin
3. The diversity of intergenerational relationship “types”

Benefits of extended family

Men’s Line Australia, a service for men with relationship and family concerns, advocates that extended family members have many roles in parenting children. It points out these benefits of extended family members:

• There is always someone around to help out.
• They give lots of love.
• They can give your kids a sense of belonging.
• They can learn and teach about family history, culture and values.
• Extended family members are great listeners.
• Cousins of similar age can make great playmates for your kids.

“Normal” is relative

In her article “No One's Family Is Normal” for Revolution Health, an organization founded to transform how people approach their overall health and wellness, Allison Stacy says when it comes to families, “normal” is a relative term.

“The truth is every clan has its quirks,” Stacy reports. “Some, of course, are harder to deal with than others. So how do you get past your family’s idiosyncrasies and build healthier relationships with your relations?” She recommends these five tactics:

1.  Normalize your expectations. Focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the things that drive you crazy. Acceptance takes the friction away.

2.  Accept your lot. Realize your relatives are who they are, and their idiosyncrasies aren’t a conspiracy to make your life miserable.

3.  Practice proven coping techniques. You can’t pick your relatives, and you can’t change them, either. But you can change your own responses to behavior that drives you berserk, which can change the whole dynamic.

4.  Avoid embarrassment. Ask your kin—especially those you’re close with—to stop their annoying behaviors. They often don’t realize they’re embarrassing you. Most will respect your polite request to stop.

5.  Help yourself through humor. How many times have you thought, “If I weren't laughing, I'd be crying”? When your family is at its craziest, comic relief can seem like the only ticket out of the funny farm.

Dr. Phil’s tips about in-laws

Dr. Phil McGraw (“Dr. Phil”), author, lecturer, psychologist, and television host, says if your in-laws are meddling, condescending, disapproving, and nosy, it’s likely that they are coming between you and your spouse. Here’s his advice:

●  Create appropriate boundaries. Some in-laws may try to pry or butt into your personal life because no limits have been set for them. It is your job to put up a boundary. It’s also your job to build a gate in that boundary so people that love you in your extended family can come in and out appropriately.

●  Don’t be a right fighter. Do you always need to be right during an argument? It’s not about being right. It’s about being happy, peaceful and tranquil for you and your kids. Take the moral high ground and learn to compromise during a disagreement.

●  Don’t invite the family into your marital problems. One of the biggest mistakes that couples can make is sharing their personal problems with their respective families. You and your spouse may make up, but your folks may still remember the hurt your spouse caused you. Sometimes, you can burn some bridges that are hard to patch later. Take it private and keep it private.

●  Don't involve the children. When it’s a war of the in-laws, children are often used as pawns. Do not allow your children to be in a tug-of-war. It is your job to not allow your children to be manipulated or in any way emotionally damaged by being in the middle of a war zone because it can burn their little psychological skins.

Additional resources:

• Dimensions of Human Behavior: The Changing Life Course, by Elizabeth D. Hutchison

• Grandpa, Do You Remember When? Sharing a Lifetime of Loving Memories--A Keepsake Journal, by Jim Daly

• Family Affair, by Caprice Crane

• Human Development: a Life-Span View, by Robert V. Kail and John C. Cavanaugh

 

Christina DiMartino has been a freelance and assignment writer since 1985. She is a researcher, interviewer, writer, editor, and manuscript collaborator with a repertoire of clients from around the world.

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