You want to keep those fires blazing, but amidst the kids, the household chores, and the job – how? Here are ideas you can start using right now.

by Fran Giordani

It can be challenging for couples to maintain a romantic relationship once they are married and have children, and routines set it. You and your spouse may become wrapped up in the tasks and chores of your days, allowing that romantic spark that originally attracted you to each other to sputter. Even if you realize this, the pressures of your responsibilities may be depleting your energy and your desire to rekindle that spark.

Little things keep the spark alive

It’s comforting to remember that even when parenting children isn't part of the picture, marriages need constant work to retain the spark. Ariane Seifert, writing for Essortment.com, a Google website on information and advice, reminds us that when a relationship is new, it can be very exciting and exhilarating. However, as time goes by, you may find that doing those things that once seemed fun with the other person now just seem old or boring. You are going to need to work on finding creative ways to keep your marriage fresh, exciting and solid.

• Try to have a date every week. Prepare for it just like you did when you were courting. Dress up, schedule a time, and do something you both enjoy.
• Give your spouse unexpected gifts occasionally, even if it’s just a card or a love letter.
• Tuck a love note in your spouse's jacket pocket or lunch bag.
• Take vacations together. Even if it is just one night or a brief weekend, go somewhere where you can focus on each other.
• Cook together. Make something you both love to eat, and just be carefree.
• Play a game together; even it’s a silly one like Candy Land.
• Take a walk and enjoy nature.
• Listen to music and dance, even if it is in your living room.
• Close your bedroom door (after the kids have gone to bed). Unplug the phone, turn off the television, light a candle and play some romantic music.
• Compliment each other every day.
• Pause to say “I love you” to each other in a meaningful way every day.

Sprinkle romance

Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., co-author of Keep Your Marriage, says every marriage needs a healthy dose of ongoing romance to add spice, delight and fun to the relationship.

“The newness is going to wear off and routines are going to settle in,” says Wasson. “It’s not enough to just start out with a sizzling romance. You have to find a way to keep the romance alive as the months and years accumulate.” Wasson offers tips to help you sprinkle your marriage with romance:

• Pay attention when your spouse mentions things he likes that could make a good gift for a birthday, holiday, anniversary and even a surprise gift.
• Giving sweet cards and letters to your spouse can be romantic, as can emails and phone messages that let him know about your feelings and passion.
• Look for opportunities to pamper and spoil your spouse.
• Compliment your spouse in front of someone else.
• Take the initiative to plan a surprise weekend outing.
• Celebrate every occasion you can think of together, including the day you met.

Reignite romance

Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, author and radio show host, says that some believe romance and love should just come naturally, but nothing is further from the truth.

“There are specific steps you can take each day to easily reignite the closeness and romantic spark in your marriage,” says Shoshanna.

“Some believe that if the original closeness that existed in a relationship starts to subside, it means that something is wrong.” Not at all, she says. “Keeping love alive requires time, attention and the willingness to learn how to constantly reconnect.”

Shoshanna adds, “Give up dead routines and snap out of ruts. Make dedicated time to plan exciting, romantic moments together alone. Allow nothing to interrupt this special time. Make it sacred and it will make both of you feel fulfilled.”

Survey your romance

David Schnarch, Ph.D., is co-director of the Marriage & Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colorado, and author of several books, including Passionate Marriage.

“Both husband and wife often get tired of each other’s habits, and that develops into anger,” says Schnarch. “You may have thought that love means accepting you the way you are, but that’s no excuse to get sloppy once you’re married. You have to work toward developing your own self respect, and that in turn will make your mate respect you. This is what leads to better intimacy.”

Dr. Schnarch and Ruth Morehouse, a psychologist and sex therapist, developed a survey based on clinical experience and research on sex and marriage that can help you assess the sexual side of your relationship. Use it to scrutinize your love life and to decide if you want to change it.

Spice it up

“Losing your desire for intimacy is common in a long-term committed relationship,” says Corey Allan, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist and speaker. “Any time you seek to change things, including trying to break out of unhappy cycles, there is a great deal of unknown. It is this unknown that causes some people to resist the changes, even if those changes will bring about something more exciting.”

Allan offers these suggestions for adding spice to your marriage:

• Assume different household responsibilities. Do something your spouse would usually take care of.
• Talk about your unhappiness. Too often we expect our spouse to read our mind or sense that there’s something wrong. Learn to speak up, but without attacking your mate.
• Initiate sex. Inevitably routine will creep into your sex life. If your spouse is the one who typically initiates sexual intimacy, you try being the initiator.

Do not view romance as an isolated event or a luxury. Romance springs from friendship and intimacy. Allow it to blossom and spread its fragrance in your day to day life as you mature in a relationship. Being together may add years to your life, but romance will add life to your years together.

 

Fran Giordani’s background includes 15 years of in-house editing and copywriting for national periodicals. Fran lives in Boston with her husband, Jay, a graphic artist, and their twin cats, Mutt and Jeff.

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