When couples overpower each other, this shuts the door for communication. Learning to negotiate opens up a positive pathway for relationships.

by Fran Giordani

Effective negotiation is a two-way process that encourages both you and your spouse to actively participate in making decisions. It also provides a way for you both to learn to understand each other better and to grow in your relationship. Negotiation helps to create a healthy balance between giving and getting. And your parenting style is profoundly affected by your relationship with your spouse.

Everyone wins through negotiation 

Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., and Peter Pearson, Ph.D., are cofounders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and coauthors of Tell Me No Lies. They say that the right questions are the foundation of successful negotiation.

“Partners struggle with negotiation because it’s hard work,” Bader and Pearson report. “It’s often difficult to clearly define your own desires, plus it requires careful dialogue to elicit your partner’s desires.

“To make things even more difficult, many people say they didn’t get married to have to negotiate. They just don’t want to have to work that hard. If the topic is complex, you will have to ask yourself and your partner lots of questions.

“In our 40 collective years in practice, we’ve discovered that most partners do not negotiate very well,” they continue. “Maybe our sample is a little skewed, since it is comprised of couples in therapy. However, the popularity of books on this subject confirms that most people are deficient in negotiation skills.”

They add that taking the time and effort to really understand the facts—and if appropriate, the feelings—is a gift you give to your partner, yourself and your relationship. If you think you will get better with practice, you’re right.

Prepare to negotiate

Here are some good questions to ask yourself before attempting to negotiate with your partner:

• What do I want?
• Why do I want it?
• How important is it?
• What does it symbolize to me?
• What happens if I get all or most of it?
• What if I don’t get it?
• How can I make it easier for my partner to give me what I want?
• Why am I reluctant to try to negotiate?
• What am I willing to consider as another possibility?
• If I don't get what I want, how could that turn out to be a good thing?
• If I do get what I want, how could that turn out to be a bad thing?

Communicate correctly

Christine Fiske and Janet A. Clark of the Department of Human Development and Family Studies for the University of Missouri Extension say the key to effective negotiation is clear communication. That involves three important skills:

1.  Speaking. Negotiation begins with a clear, concise explanation of the problem as each person sees it. Facts and feelings are presented in a rational manner from each one’s perspective. The process will be most effective when you take time to think through what you will say before you attempt to negotiate. Use “I” instead of “you” to avoid placing blame, which can put your spouse in a defensive position.

2.  Listening. Poor attention and listening can lead to misunderstandings, inappropriate solutions, and continuing conflict. Listening is an active process of concentrating all of your attention on your spouse. Encourage him to share his thoughts and feelings with feedback on what you have said.

3.  Understanding: Before you and your spouse can find a solution to your issue, a common understanding must be reached. If neither of you understand the other’s problems and concerns, the process of negotiation will either be broken off or end with solutions that do not work for you both. 

What not to do

Relationship expert and producer of Straight From the Heart, Dr. Sheri Meyers says there are things you should not do when trying to negotiate with your mate because they don’t work:

• Don’t yell.
• Don’t scream.
• Don’t stand up and walk out of the room.
• Don’t pound your fist on the table.
• Don’t play hardball.
• Don’t over-talk your partner.

“All of these actions are a ploy to overpower your partner during a marital disagreement,” says Meyers. “If you use these tactics you are going to shut your partner down and there won’t be any successful negotiation. Or, you may get your way this time, but the problem will keep coming back because it needs to be resolved.”

 

Fran Giordani’s background includes 15 years of in-house editing and copywriting for national periodicals. Fran lives in Boston with her husband, Jay, a graphic artist, and their twin cats, Mutt and Jeff.

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