When the troubles of life take over and your marriage takes a back seat, it’s time for damage control. Take hold of the wheel and use these tips to improve your marriage in good times and mend it during bad times.

 

by Fran Giordani

Marriages are not the bed of roses most couples think they will be when they fall in love and get married. Life is filled with ups and downs that put pressure on relationships, and you are likely not always at your best when you face hard times.

There are many reasons why your marriage may need mending. Over time, as you have faced challenges, you and your spouse may have said things to one another that are hurtful. Ego and pride may be preventing you both from digging deeply to find ways to mend the hurt. Even the ordinary stresses of parenting children may have caused rifts that need your attention.

Difficulties can damage relationships

“My husband and I have faced financial troubles, deaths in the family, having a child, and starting our own business,” says Dr. Isabella Santorini, a novelist, speaker and life coach. “Along the way, we realized that if we were to mend old hurts and forge a great partnership, we needed help.

“Having been married for 12 years now, I’ve come to look at my marriage as an ongoing opportunity, or an ongoing demand, for personal growth.”

Santorini and her husband found valuable information that helped them mend their marriage, including these tips:

● Realize that your personal happiness is your own responsibility. During difficult times, it is not fair to blame your marriage for your sadness, frustration or depression.

● Stop arguing or complaining over petty things. When you stop making little nasty remarks to one another, your relationship will be more pleasant. Sarcasm is also passive-aggressive, adding danger to building a powerful partnership.

● Know that your spouse is basically a good person. Like anyone, your spouse can be nasty on occasion because of stress, frustration or fatigue, can be nasty. Treat him well and help him to deal with what is bothering him.

Begin to mend

Husband and wife Nisandeh and Vered Neta are creators of Life Partnership training, Art of Intimacy and Love Overdose workshops. They offer marriage help tools to assist couples who want to mend their relationship.

● Become curious about your partner. Change your thought pattern from labeling or criticizing to “What is really going on with this person I love?"

● See your own part in the crisis. Taking time to figure out what you have contributed to your marriage problems will empower you to get to work on the issues.

● Own your feelings and take responsibility. You’re in charge of your feelings. No one else reaches into your emotional basket and stirs things around. You can feel better, no matter what your partner does or says.

● Put your own needs aside for now. Stop concerning yourself mainly with your own needs and feelings, and start paying more attention to your partner’s.

● Listen to your partner’s point of view. Instead of jumping in to defend yourself against whatever she is saying, just listen.

● Look for win-win solutions. Instead of focusing on who's going to win this round, you both can shift to finding a mutually satisfactory solution.

Learn to forgive

Lack of forgiveness is not only a detriment to relationship mending—it also takes a toll on your physical and emotional health. 

Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., a marriage therapist and author of numerous books on marriage and relationships, says that forgiveness isn’t a feeling but a decision.

“No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner’s insensitive behavior, you still are miserable,” she says. “When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can’t feel joy because you're too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.”

Weiner-Davis suggests that you make the determination that the alternative to forgiving is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future.

“Promise yourself, no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely,” she adds. “Make peace. Make up. Make love.

“I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind’s eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.”

Read on:

• Save the Marriage, by Lee Baucom, Ph.D.
• 1000 Questions For Couples; Things You Should Know About Your Mate, by Michael Webb

 

Fran Giordani’s background includes 15 years of in-house editing and copywriting for national periodicals. Fran lives in Boston with her husband, Jay, a graphic artist, and their twin cats, Mutt and Jeff.

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