Spouses hear each other all the time, but do they listen?  Listening is necessary for interaction, and unfortunately, most people are not good at it. You can master relationship communication by switching on your “listening thinking.”

by Christina DiMartino

You have to listen to people every day and in every situation where interaction is necessary. That’s a lot of listening. With all that practice, you would think you’d be pretty good at it. In fact, most people are not good listeners, because it is not an easy skill.

Aspects of good listening

Mort Orman, M.D., internist, lecturer and author of The 14 Day Stress Cure, says that even though marriages depend heavily upon good listening skills, most advice about improving your ability to listen isn’t that helpful.

“Most advice focuses on technical aspects of listening, such as giving feedback, making eye contact, asking open-ended questions and not interrupting while others are speaking,” says Orman. “These techniques are all good, but they don’t get to the heart of listening or empower us to become better listeners.”

• Listening is not a passive activity. It involves not only hearing what your spouse says, but also having a sense of how he views life, what he wants to accomplish and what he wants from you.
• Listen for unspoken fears, concerns, moods and aspirations.
• Listen with respect and validation. Most of the time when we’re listening to our spouse, we look for faults or weaknesses in what he is saying.
• Listen without thinking about how you’re going to respond. To listen well, you must “be with” your spouse, fully attending to his words and inner emotions.
• Listen for signs of impending trouble. Your partner might not say he is displeased with some aspect of your relationship, but he will expect you to interpret his clues.
• Listen with optimism and positive human regard, despite your negative state.

Switch your “listening thinking”

Dr. Neil Fiore, psychologist, speaker and author of Awaken Your Strongest Self: Break Free of Stress, Inner Conflict, and Self-Sabotage, stresses that parenting children can have a negative impact on the way that spouses listen to each other. “Relationships change over the years as our children take center stage and daily household responsibilities wear us down," he says. "Romance too often gives way to irritation and arguments.”

Fiore says that diminished passion in marriage is due in part to couples not listening to each other. He advises that you learn active listening skills starting now.

• Stop yourself from saying “Yes, but…” and switch to “Let me try to understand what you’re saying.”
• Stop defending yourself. Listen so hard to your partner that you can paraphrase back what she said. Demonstrate that you acknowledge her point of view.
• Take your ego off the line. Laugh at how you deviated from your mature, higher values. Bring the humor back into your relationship.
• Ask your spouse what you can do or say that will make her feel safe, respected and loved.
• Find at least one thing a day for which you can compliment your spouse.
• Refuse to jump into your spouse’s hallucination that you are her enemy, problem or solution.
• Listen without trying to fix or solve her issue. Stand your ground as a loving partner.

Are you listening?

You may say yes, you always listen to your spouse. But psychologist Betty W. Phillips, Ph.D., says it’s important to know if your spouse would agree.

“Active listening is the process of putting time and effort into understanding communication,” says Phillips.

“Pay attention to what is going on in your mind when you are listening. It’s common to take in an initial part of what your spouse is saying and then start thinking about your response so you can respond with your thoughts.

“When asked to report the details of what has been said, ‘listeners’ often realize they were not truly listening, nor have they absorbed the totality of the ideas and feelings of the other person.”

Phillips adds that this is especially true during an argument, where perceived criticism invokes immediate defensiveness, which escalates on both parts.

“The listener must inhibit his own responses and truly consider the point of view of the other person,” she adds. “When this is accomplished, the listener can give a meaningful response.”

More from listening experts:

• Debby Miller, director of Essential Skills Support Unit, a center of excellence for professional development and quality improvement, says, “It is said that the reason we have two ears and one mouth is because we should listen twice as much as we speak.” Her video offers advice for better listening skills in all areas of your life.
• “You Just Don't Understand,” an article by Deborah Tannen about the difference in communication styles between men and women, offers great advice to help you improve your listening skills (as does her complete book of the same title).

 

Christina DiMartino has been a freelance and assignment writer since 1985. She is a researcher, interviewer, writer, editor, and manuscript collaborator with a repertoire of clients from around the world.

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