Though it’s normal for couples to disagree, you can avoid full-fledged fights that leave lasting scars on your relationship. Fight fairly with empathetic communication strategies and listening skills.

by Christina DiMartino

All couples argue. But how you argue, and especially how you end an argument, can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. Learning to fight fairly will help you to find resolutions more quickly and prevent arguments from warping your child rearing style and festering into uncontrollable disruptions in your relationship and in your home.

Dr. Phil McGraw, clinical psychologist, author and host of the popular “Dr. Phil” television series, says a primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. But don’t be self-righteous or take yourself too seriously.
Dr. Phil’s rules for fighting fairly

● Take it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will harm them emotionally.

● Keep it relevant. Don’t let old grudges or sore points surface when they don't belong in an argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter.

● Keep it real. Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem.

● Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than attacking your partner personally.

● Remain task-oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement.

● Be proportional in your intensity. Not everything you disagree about is earth-shattering.

● There's a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them get out of hand.

● Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Learn to self-referee

Marriage for Dummies reports that you and your spouse have to referee your own disputes without help from a third party. You need to hammer out rules and limits that work for you, but learn to do so following the rules of fair fighting.

● Stick to the issues by avoiding personal attacks.

● Look for ways to bend without breaking by compromising and negotiating.

● Use strategic timing by being sensitive to your partner’s moods before bringing up a sore subject.

● Start with one issue to discuss and stick to it. Don’t segue into other issues.

● Don’t practice dime-store psychology by trying to fix your spouse’s problems.

● Don’t attack your partner by bringing up his weak spots.

● Avoid taking the moral high ground about who is better, kinder or more considerate.

● Make sure the outcome is one that you can both live with.

Clarification and listening skills

The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center offers advice for couples facing conflict. It reports that when constructively resolved, disagreements can actually strengthen a relationship. Healthy communication, including clarification and listening, is critical when there are important decisions to be made and resolves reached.

A clear message involves a respectful but direct expression of your wants and needs. Take some time to identify what you really want before talking to your partner. Work on being able to describe your request in clear, observable terms. For example, you might say, “I would like you to hold my hand more often,” rather than the vague “I wish you were more affectionate.”

It can be tempting to list all your concerns or grievances, but doing so will likely prolong an argument. Do your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time.

Being a good listener requires these rules:

● Don't interrupt.

● Focus on what your partner is saying rather than on formulating your own response.

● Check out what you heard your partner say. Say “I think you are saying...” Or “what I understood you to say was...”

● Think before you speak. Ask yourself if what you are about to say will to increase or decrease the odds that you and your partner will work the problem out.

Taking a “win-win” stance when you argue means that your goal is for the relationship, rather than for either of you to claim victory in a conflict situation.

 

Christina DiMartino has been a freelance and assignment writer since 1985. She is a researcher, interviewer, writer, editor, and manuscript collaborator with a repertoire of clients from around the world.

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