Ever feel like your kids have more meaningful connections with their Wii and iPhone than with you? Don't worry – some age-old wisdom and attention to the basics can re-establish the lines of communication.

by Ryan G. Van Cleave

For the past few decades, parents have grown increasingly frustrated by how their kids' attention and interest gets gobbled up by technological wonders. Video game systems. Cable TV. Cell phones. Social networking.

While some parents call it a fair trade-off for the "down time" they get while their kids are quietly staring into screens, most realize that this lack of quality communication makes it impossible to connect with their kids at all. And with little or no communication, the idea of effective parenting is out the window.

Even if you choose to try to combat these electronic distractions, one of the biggest problems parents have in trying to re-establish those crucial lines of communication is that they simply don't know specifically what to do. Here are a few of the tactics that typically don't work well:

• Waiting for them to "grow out of it." While some kids will be less distracted by technologies as they mature, most won't.
• Forcibly turning off the devices. Yanking the plug from the wall or hitting the OFF button for your kids are surefire ways to cause an argument and make kids feel disrespected.
• Yelling. This one might seem obvious, but the idea that "vocal volume = importance" still holds more true than many would like to admit.
• Threats. Kids typically don't respond well to threats. In fact, it often makes them want to do exactly the opposite!

If you've tried any (or all) of the above unsuccessfully, don't worry. The idea that you want to improve communication with your kids is a step in the right direction. With that goal in mind, here are some better options that empower and support kids.

Be a good role model

It's easy to forget that kids learn from watching their parents. If you're on a Blackberry all the time, or you get in three hours of TV every day—whether it's baseball, CNN, or sit-coms—kids will think this is the norm. How can we expect them to do otherwise? If you want your kids to turn off the devices, give it a try yourself.

It's also possible for parents who are themselves so deeply engaged with technologies to appear neglectful to kids. The parents' lives, jobs, and desires look more important than the kids are. That's a tough message to overcome no matter what else you say or do.

Carefully choose your talk times
You wouldn't think the best time to talk to an alcoholic about their addiction would be when they're halfway into a fresh bottle. But some parents choose to interject themselves between their kids and a half-watched TV show, or a just-started level of a video game—yet still hope to have a meaningful conversation.

Wait until the devices are off—whether this is right before bed, during dinnertime, or in the car on the way home from school—and then have a calm, clear, non-judgmental discussion about your expectations and concerns. You might be surprised at how ignorant your kids are about your worries.

Another benefit of these appropriately-timed conversations is that you might find out some of the reasons why the technologies and devices interest them. For instance, if it's adventure they like, perhaps you can find a real-world activity you can do together that will offer similar pleasures, such as white-water rafting, horseback riding in the woods, or a family game of paintball. Consider offering them a free Saturday afternoon where they get to choose whatever the family does.

Use the right words
Part of being an active, effective parent is establishing trust and respecting your kids. Here are a few phrases that when used regularly will offer clear evidence that you value their choices, well-being, and happiness. These will help lay the foundation for the effective parent/child communication you desire.

• "Tell me more."
• "Great job!"
• "I believe in you."
• "Thank you."
• "What do you think?"
• "I love you."

While these are the sort of sentences that how-to books on parenting children might suggest, the reality is that most parents don't use them often enough.

For many kids, electronic devices are simply a time-filler or a way to feel important…powerful…safe. Give them better options, and you just might be surprised at how often they choose those options instead.

Read on:

• “How to Communicate Better with your Children,” by Gulrukh Tausif
• “Unplug Your Kids,” podcast by Dr. David Dutwin

 

Ryan G. Van Cleave, Ph.D., is the Amazon.com bestselling author of Unplugged: My Journey into the Dark World of Video Game Addiction. As a digital media expert, he's been featured on FOX News, NBC News, CNN Headline News, Sirius XM radio, and dozens of other news outlets. See ryanvancleave.com.

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