Parenting a teen can be a daunting task no matter what, and stepparenting adds unique challenges. But with a little flexibility and a lot of patience, the relationship will develop for your blended family.

by Shannon Philpott

Finding the perfect mix for a blended family takes time. Just as it takes time to warm up to a new friend or neighbor, stepchildren need time to absorb the changes in the family and to evaluate how to approach relationships. And when the stepchild is a teen, an extra set of challenges comes into play.

According to Patricia Schell Kuhlman, a counselor with special interest in attachment and bonding, relationships with an outside parent are complicated at any age. With teens, she says, “Going through the initial immersion stage with adolescent stepchildren is very challenging because their normal development needs for separation and independence from the family are in conflict with the need of the stepfamily to form new family bonds and relationships.”

An instantaneous bond may not happen, especially when a teen feels resentment toward parents and stepparents following a divorce or death. Therefore, the relationship must develop with input from both the teen and stepparent. Learning how to navigate the challenges requires patience and flexibility from both sides.

Working through challenges

● Listening attentively. One advantage of stepparenting a teen is that teenagers are often mature enough to discuss their needs and wants for the relationship. Parenting styles that encourage open communication are essential here. It’s important to ask what type of relationship your stepchildren desire and to listen to their thoughts, ensuring that you are willing to support them and work through the challenges of step parenting a teen.

● Delegating discipline. Although a teen needs boundaries and discipline, Kuhlman suggests that stepparents take a secondary role. “It’s often best to allow the biological parent to take most responsibility for parental decisions,” she said.

“The stepparent serves as parenting helper but does not attempt to fill the parent role and defers to the biological parent in parenting matters.” For a teen, it may help to have someone in a parenting role to listen and remain objective.

● Dealing with rejection. Rejection is one of the most challenging aspects of step parenting, according to Patricia O’Laughlin, a California-based psychotherapist specializing in adolescents and the psychology of parenting. “Teenagers in general can be very rejecting toward adults. If you pursue them too much, it might make them push you away harder,” O’Laughlin warns.

“Accept ahead of time that there are times you will feel rejected and talk to your partner, therapist, or trusted friend about the matter. Don’t let yourself get triggered so you become defensive—some teens may feed off of that to give them a sense of power.”

● Coping with “You’re not my mom.” Whether a teen is not happy about a household rule or resentful of the attention a sibling receives, it is inevitable that hurtful words will surface. Dr. John Duffy, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism in Raising Teens and Tweens, advises that stepparents should not take retorts from a child personally.

“Stepparents need to address such feelings calmly, accepting the reality, but stating their role clearly,” Duffy said. “Something like, ‘Nobody will take the place of your mother here, but I am the adult in this household, and we have agreed that you will listen to me.’”

Actively building bonds

Although it is crucial that stepparents avoid forcing an instantaneous relationship, it is possible to gradually build a bond by showing an interest in the stepchild’s activities and hobbies.

● Cheer them on. Show your support by attending your teen’s sporting events, band concerts, and theater productions. He will appreciate seeing a familiar face and will recognize that you care about his accomplishments.

● Join their fun. Just because you are not a speed skater, it doesn’t mean you can’t take a spin at a roller skating rink with your teen if she loves the sport. Taking an interest in her activities will help to strengthen that bond and may even bring out a few laughs.

● Take a one-on-one approach. Many times, blended families try to incorporate the entire family into every activity. Eventually, one sibling or another feels left out and neglected. Opt for more one-on-one activities so that each family member can learn more about you and you can learn more about your new stepchild.

Read on:

• Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade, by James H. Bray, Ph.D. and John Kelly
• The Available Parent: Radical Optimism in Raising Teens and Tweens, by Dr. John Duffy
• Uncommon Sense for Parents of Teenagers, by Michael Riera
• Wonderful Ways to Be a Step Parent, by Judy Ford and Anna Chase
• Wonderful Ways to Love a Teen: Even When it Seems Impossible, by Judy Ford

Resources:

• Success for Steps – website and blog by psychotherapist and certified stepfamily coach Christina Roach, M.A., N.C.C.
• National Stepfamily Resource Center – a division of the Center for Children, Youth and Families of Auburn University, Auburn, Alabama

 

Shannon Philpott is a writer/reporter with 10-plus years of experience, and a college journalism instructor. She maintains a blog about writing, reflecting, and teaching at shannonphilpott.com.

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