Even in a sound relationship, jealousy will rear its ugly head. Confront this beast head-on by detecting the causes of your uncertainty as a couple.

 
by Christina DiMartino

“Beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on,” says Iago to Othello in Shakespeare’s play. Iago knows so well that what he says is true that he is actually using the destructive power of jealousy to trick Othello into thinking that Othello’s faithful wife is having an affair—a deception that will lead to terrible consequences.

Even when jealousy doesn’t cause tragedy as in Othello, this monster can force its way into and cause serious damage to relationships, with repercussions for parenting styles as well. And as unwelcome as jealousy is, it’s a problem that most couples must deal with at some time in their marriage.

Jealousy creates imbalance

Linda James, M.Ed., M.S., a marriage and family therapist, says the majority of jealousy issues she sees in her practice are related to one spouse feeling neglected or depressed, being unfaithful, or trying to control the other.

“Jealousy creates an imbalance in relationships,” James told Parent USA City. “The jealous spouse feels she isn’t being treated fairly and becomes consumed with keeping score. This can create a situation where one spouse cannot do enough to dispel the jealous feelings the other spouse is experiencing.” James adds that jealousy surfaces when a spouse feels her partner puts work, other people, or hobbies as a higher priority than the relationship.

Affairs cause sorrow and jealousy

“Many times I see one spouse experiencing jealousy and sadness as they explain that their relationship isn’t the same as when they dated or were first married,” James says. “Jealousy and hurt over an affair, however, is the most painful experience to watch. “The intense emotions that the injured spouse feels are catastrophic. It causes a loss of trust and of a dream.

“Jealousy can enter into all areas of life as the offended spouse is now filled with anxiety and on high alert. The spouse who has had an affair wonders why it is taking so long for his partner to forgive him, or believe him when he says he won’t ever do it again. An affair changes relationships forever.”

Irrational jealousy

A spouse who is overly jealous and controlling is a red flag. A dangerous situation results when one spouse limits contact with the other’s friends and family, or constantly blames her spouse for offenses that haven’t occurred. This can even lead to domestic violence.

Clinical psychologist Monica A. Frank, Ph.D., says the irrationally jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop his behavior, but he cannot control the thoughts that are making him feel miserable. “He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better,” says Frank.

“The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking," she says, "is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief that something is true. Without evidence to the contrary, we have to choose to trust if we want a satisfying relationship.”

Not knowing something with 100 percent certainty is one of the most difficult things for human beings. Frank says we are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt.

“People often go through extreme contortions to try to protect themselves from the possibility of loss and pain,” she reports. “Yet these attempts to protect yourself may actually be the means with which you destroy that which you are trying to preserve. “A wife may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful. As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent.”

Overcome jealousy

Carla Valencia, an author who writes about self-esteem, says all jealousy is caused by an over-active and misused imagination. Creating scenarios in your mind of what your partner is thinking or doing is the perfect way to torture yourself.

Valencia offers this advice for overcoming jealousy:

• Be aware that you are feeling the emotion. You are not your thoughts or emotions.
• Learn the difference between observation and interpretation. Observation is the actual fact: “My husband has been talking to that woman since we got here.” Interpretation is what you think the observation means: “My husband will leave me for somebody else.”
• Work on building your self-esteem. If you have a healthy esteem you will distinguish jealousy as toxic and will not need it to manipulate your spouse into loving you.
• Stop comparing yourself with others. The key is to find your uniqueness. Rather than use negative statements and putting yourself down, begin to accept yourself as you are. Find your greatness and be proud.

James suggests that when jealousy rears its ugly head due to a past experience, you take these steps:

• Ask yourself what the evidence is.
•  Realize the situation it is not connected to the present.
• Remember that jealousy is not you but something affecting you.
• If you are the one dealing with jealousy, talk to your spouse about when and how it affects you.
• If your spouse is jealous, help her by assuring her more. Write her a note committing your love. Check in with her frequently by text messages, phone calls and emails.
• Talk with your spouse about your feelings. “Talking about feelings, even when they seem silly, can dispel the fear behind them,” says James. “Communicate your love in a way that makes your spouse feel truly loved.”

Read on:

• Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures, by Ayala Malach Pines
• The Green-Eyed Marriage: Surviving Jealous Relationships, by Robert L. Barker
• Betrayal, Trust and Forgiveness, by Dr. Beth Hedva
• Marriage Makeover: “His jealousy is out of control,” Redbook Magazine

Watch:

• Overcome Jealousy in 7 Easy Steps at Relationship Gold

Christina DiMartino has been a freelance and assignment writer since 1985. She is a researcher, interviewer, writer, editor, and manuscript collaborator with a repertoire of clients from around the world.

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