Respect for others is the essence of good manners – and a children who respects others will earn respect from them. That's why teaching your children good manners is much more than "using the right fork."










by Joan M. Thomas

“Don’t take the last cookie.” That mandate handed down in my family for generations baffled me as a child. Also taught not to waste food, I worried about the fate of that lone survivor of the dessert tray. Would no one eat it, I wondered. Today I am just grateful that someone took the time to teach me the rules of etiquette.

Although the modern world is much less formal than it was say, 50 years ago, children deserve to learn proper behavior for every situation. Some day they will apply for jobs, get invited to social events such as formal dinner parties, be expected to handle important telephone calls, and go to networking events. If they’ve developed good manners early in life, they will be well equipped to face those grown-up challenges with ease.

Recently I encountered a perfect example of what happens when parents fail to prime a child in good manners. An attractive, well-dressed young man approached me while I waited on the steps of the public library. “What time does it open,” he demanded. When I answered 10 o’clock, he scoffed “Why so late!” As if I was personally responsible for the library hours.

When he then turned his back on me and wandered away, I wanted to shout, “You’re welcome!”  Still, my training by word and deed checked that uncivil response to his uncivil behavior.

The words “please” and “thank you” did not seem to be part of that man’s repertoire, at least not when it came to a stranger in a public place. In my book, there is no excuse to be rude to anyone. That too, I learned as a child.

Children model adults' manners

Children should master the concepts of “please” and “thank you” as soon as they are able to say the words. Hearing these words used regularly by adults around them, they will learn by example.

In her article on manners, pediatrician, writer and lecturer Dr. Marilyn Heins adds that children also learn by instruction, suggestions and reminders. They will develop polite behavior and proper etiquette for every situation this way.

The main areas of good manners to cover include table manners, telephone etiquette, and social mores. One thing to remember is that children will adopt the wrong behavior by imitation as quickly as they will the proper kind. I can attest to that.

When my oldest brother’s four children were small, they came with their parents to a family dinner. It was obvious that they had been instructed to be on their best behavior. Sitting quietly with their hands in their laps, they waited for the food to be passed to them. When the youngest, Bob, put his elbows on the table, my brother quickly admonished him. The child’s response, “Well Aunt Joan has hers on the table” not only mortified me, it taught me a lesson about modeling good manners for children.

Dr. Heins writes that by the time a child is 3 or 4, parents can expect reasonable table manners. Yet, it’s surprising how often we are repelled by grown people talking with food in their mouths, and other disgusting eating habits. Had their parents instructed them in proper table manners, and reinforced their training with frequent reminders or suggestions that such behavior makes them look like oafs, they wouldn’t gross out others in their presence. Neither would they chew gum, nor chomp on potato chips while talking on the telephone.

Phone manners for modern age

 One could easily fill a book just with rules for proper telephone etiquette.

It is truly distressing how many educated people have not mastered the simple process of answering the phone and taking a message. How then can we expect a child to figure that out?

The authors of Teaching Your Children Good Manners, Lauri Berkenkamp and Steven C. Atkins, Psy.D., devote an entire chapter to the subject.

The chapter titled “Hello, Who’s This” addresses the basics, which include answering the phone, making a call, taking a message, leaving a message, and learning to wait while others are on the phone. That all seems pretty elementary, but those simple skills seem to evade much of the population today.

The authors point out that kids are concrete learners, so the “task of learning to pick up an object and talk to a disembodied voice” takes a lot of practice as well as modeling by grownups.

Moreover, the authors cover the issue of safety, by instructing parents to teach children not to give out too much personal information over the phone. They also address teaching the child when, and when not, to dial 911.

Cell phone courtesy

Another telephone topic that needs attention is the proper use of a cell phone. Today’s kids are growing up an era when many thoughtless people fail to turn off their phones in places like the movie theater. Moreover, they speak loudly into them in public areas as if everyone is interested in their banal conversations. If not continually reminded that that kind of behavior is rude and offensive, young people will assume that it’s okay.

If allowed to use a cell phone, every child should understand common courtesy. And that simply means being considerate of others.

Manners are based on respect for others

For that matter, consideration for others envelopes the topic of good manners.

In Harper Lee’s classic novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, one particular scene demonstrates the epitome of showing respect for one’s fellow man. When young Scout embarrasses her schoolmate Walter Cunningham while he is having lunch at her home, she gets a swift reprimand. She is told, “That boy is your guest…,” and is reminded that it is wrong to make fun of people.

If all children were taught to respect everyone regardless of their station, this would be a kinder, happier world. Family, friends, schoolmates, teammates, members of opposing teams, neighbors, the mail carrier, the plumber and everyone else we meet throughout life deserve respect.

And no matter how well groomed or how nicely dressed, a person who disrespects others will never gain real friends or admirers.

So when a child goes somewhere like the library, he will ask someone, “Excuse me, could you please tell me what time the library opens?” He will then say “Thank you” when he gets an answer.

Everyone loves a polite child.

And, every child deserves to be loved.


The author of three books, freelance writer and historian Joan M. Thomas also enjoys writing feature stories and essays on current topics. Born in Carroll, Iowa, she now lives in St. Louis, Missouri, with her husband, Bob, and canine pal, Sasha.

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This popular article was originally published in St. Louis Parent newspaper.